A Grand Idea
by Catwho
Summary: Four drunk G-Girls on a vacation gone all wrong...


**A Grand Idea**  
by Cat Who 

(Gomen-nasai: yet again I villainize Dorothy Catalonia. She's too fun not to be evil to. Pairings: 1XR [of course], 2XH, joked about 1X2 or 2X1, 3+4/4+3 [implied 4X3], 5XS, 6X9, and Catherine+Rashid [don't ask, just read the darn thing.] )

Written for the Ship of April Fools fanfic contest 

****

Wu-fei and Sally Po were sitting in their office at the Preventer's Headquarters in Luxembourg. They were each sorting through the tons of paperwork they'd let build up over the course of two weeks. It wasn't that they meant to let it sit (except in the case of all that junk mail, but everyone lets that sit), it's just that when every third day or so you're sent off to blow something up, filling out all the requisite forms to get your dental insurance for the next year tends to take the back burner. Sally had gotten bored with said forms, and so she started in on the junk mail. 

"Hey, Wu-fei, look at this," Sally said, holding up a gaudy envelope. "You may have already won ten million dollars." She grinned when he glared at her. 

"You open it," Wu-fei muttered darkly. "I hate those contests." 

"Who doesn't?" She set the flashy envelope aside, and tackled the next one. It was a much plainer envelope, addressed to her, with an unfamiliar return address. It looked quite official. She opened it up, curious, and a single sheet of paper fell out. She picked it up. 

"To Miss Sally Po," it said. "The Iguana Paradise Resort of Arizona would like to thank you sincerely for your hard work and dedication during the Grand Canyon uprising last month. As a token of our deepest gratitude, we are giving you and three of your friends a free weekend at our resort and ranch on April 1st. Please contact Desireé Felix at 520-316-0062 for more information." 

Sally smiled in surprise. The 'uprising' had been a tiny rebel group, nothing hardly worth mentioning even in their reports, but apparently the locals had taken it to heart. 

"What to you say, Wu-fei? Shall we call up Relena and Heero and ask Lady Une for the weekend off?" 

Wu-fei snorted. "I haven't got time for that sort of thing, woman, and neither do you. We are far too busy to take time for vacations." He turned back to his dental forms. 

"Fine then, I'll ask them myself. Or better yet..." Sally developed a gleam in her eye. 

**** 

Relena was very surprised when her cell phone rang. Only a handful of people in the whole Earth Sphere had that number, and they knew not to call her unless it was important. 

"Excuse me," she said to the group she had been lunching with. She stood up and walked a few feet away from the small table, and answered the phone. "Hello?" 

"Relena, it's Sally Po." 

"Oh, hi Sally! You caught me off guard. Is something wrong?" 

"No, no, it's just I somehow came into a free weekend at a resort for four, and Wu-fei in his stubborn dedication refuses to go, so I decided to make it a girls night out. Are you interested?" 

Relena glanced over at the three plump, middle aged men she'd been arguing with for the last half hour at lunch. 

"It sounds delightful. Where is it?" 

"The Iguana Paradise Resort and Ranch, on the Grand Canyon. I'll fax you the full details right away. We're meeting in Phoenix Friday after next." 

"Thank you, Sally. But who else is coming along?" 

"That's a surprise. Seeya." 

The phone clicked off. Relena stared at it for a second, then secretly checked for any voice mail messages from Heero before going back to the table. 

****

"Schbeicher Scrapyard, Duo speaking." 

"Hey, Duo, is Hilde in?" 

"Yeah, hold on a sec...hey, is that you, Sally? What, you don't want to talk to me? I'm offended." 

"Hello Duo. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I just want to talk to Hilde more." 

Duo glared at the receiver. "You're a cruel woman, Sally. Hold on a sec." He set the office phone on its side, and stepped outside of the scrapyard office. Hilde was doing inventory work in the yard. She was wearing huge overalls and leather gloves, and her baseball cap stuck on backwards as usual. "Hey, Hildey-babe, phone for you," he yelled. She glanced up, and Duo saw that she had a smudge of soot on her nose. He smiled as she ran up to him, breathless. 

"Who is it?" she asked, taking her gloves off, revealing tiny, perfect hands. 

"It's Sally Po. She said she wanted to talk to you about something." 

"What?" 

"Hey, she wouldn't tell me. You have dirt on your nose," Duo said, kissing the tip of said nose lightly. Hilde batted him away affectionately and trotted inside to the office. 

She stuck her oversized leather gloves in a pocked and picked up the phone. "Hey Sally," she said. 

"Hi Hilde! Listen, it seems I've somehow gotten a free weekend for four at a resort on Earth, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining the group." 

"Boy, would I! I haven't had a vacation in ages. What resort? When? Does it include airfare? Who else is going?" 

"Whoa, one question at a time. The Iguana Paradise Resort. A week from next Friday. No, you'll have to get there on your own, although I could probably swing a discount through United if you need it. And the other two party members are a secret. You'll find out when we get there." 

"Hey, isn't Friday after next April Fools day?" 

"Now that you mention it, it is, isn't it? Bring a hand buzzer." 

Hilde giggled. "I'll just raid Duo's gag box. He has more dirty tricks in there than a politician." 

"Don't go overboard. I'll fax the details over there later." 

"Thanks, Sally. Seeya on April Fools day!" 

"Ja!" 

**** 

Catherine Bloom was not expecting the circus payphone to ring. She hated answering public payphones, but since no one else was around, it seemed she'd have to be the one to do it. 

The circus was in a grungy part of Denver, Colorado, US, on Earth. The ringmaster had predicted a large crowd, and fortunately, he'd been correct. There was hardly anything to do in the urban sprawl mess that was Denver, and the population there thirsted for entertainment. 

Catherine gingerly picked up the pay phone. "Hello?" she said, expecting someone to say 'wrong number' or 'you no speaka spanish?" Instead, she heard Sally Po. 

"Catherine? Is that you?" 

"Sally! Why are you calling this public phone?" 

"I was trying to get a hold of you. It looks like I did, so it worked. Hey, listen, Catherine, I managed to get a free weekend for four at a resort in Arizona. We're meeting April 1st in Phoenix. I was wondering if you'd be interested?" 

"I'd love to! How thoughtful of you, Sally. And it works out perfectly, because we have a show in Tucson on the 31st." She frowned suddenly. "Is Trowa not invited?" 

"We're ditching the guys for a ladies night out. It'll be just us four girls, a twelvepack of Corona, and a vacation resort, all to ourselves." 

Catherine smiled. "Sounds like Wu-fei made you angry." 

"I never get angry. Let's just say he lost out on an opportunity to slack off for a weekend. So, I'll send a fax to your local data center with all the details. You're in Denver, right?" 

"Yes." 

Catherine heard Sally laugh. "You know, all I gave the 411 operator was your name and your circus' name, and she managed to pinpoint you exactly. I'll get that fax out to you, okay?" 

"Okay, Sally. Thank you, again." 

"Bye!" 

**** 

Sally had arranged for everyone to meet in the south terminal of the Phoenix Air and Space Port early morning on April First. Desireé Felix had been very helpful, even faxing over directions and arranging for a huge air travel discount for Hilde and Relena. Still, sally couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she'd heard that voice somewhere before. 

Sally had rented a minivan, and stuffed it full of goodies, including the promised twelvepack of Corona and plenty of limes. Her wartime instincts still hadn't faded, so she'd gone paranoid and packed everything from a full medical kit to extra water to actual camping gear. Desireé had assured her the resort facility was four star and top class, and that they'd want for nothing, but Sally dared leave nothing to chance. 

Catherine showed up first, wearing her favorite shorts and a tube top. "Sally!" she said with a broad smile, and waved before running over. She had her luggage in a pull cart behind her. "I'm very excited. This weekend is going to be so much fun!" Relena and Hilde followed soon after, the former carrying a light travel suitcase and the latter lugging along two overstuffed duffel bags. They were both dressed down as much as Sally had ever seen them. She herself was pretty casual as well, even foregoing her usual fatigues for a pair of khakis and a knit shirt. 

"Relena! Hilde!" Catherine cried with a smile. "It really is going to be a girls weekend out!" 

"Hilde, Catherine, Sally," Relena said with only slightly less enthusiasm. The four women were good friends. Going through a war together does that to people. 

Hilde, the least inhibited of the group, practically glomped them both. "I'm so glad to see you all. I can't wait to get to the resort. My information says they keep cabana boys and a masseuse on staff." 

"Now now, Hilde, we don't want to have to tell Duo that you've eloped with the masseuse. Behave. Anyway, it looks like we're all here," Sally said. "I hope you all brought your bathing suits and gossip tongues. Lets go." She led them out of the port to the parking lot, and they all piled in the minivan, Sally and Hilde in front, and Catherine and Relena in back. 

"Its about a three hour drive from here. Desireé gave me nice instructions." They drove for a while in silence, just enjoying the beautiful view of the desert from the air-conditioned comfort of the van. 

"Hey look, there's some people riding donkeys over there," Hilde said, pointing out the window. 

"I was bitten by a donkey once," Relena commented. "Donkey bites hurt." 

"You were bitten by a donkey?" Sally asked, amazed. "I didn't even know that donkeys bit people." 

"Donkey bites! Donkey bites!" Hilde giggled. She liked the phrase. 

"Oh yes, donkeys are very apt to bite someone. Trowa is the only person I know who can calm a donkey down if its in a biting mood. He's so good with animals." 

"How are he and Quatre getting along lately, by the way?" 

"He pines and mopes until Quatre calls, or Quatre visits, and then for days he positively glows until he starts missing him again." Catherine sighed. "I wish that they could be together more often. It's not easy being separated from the one you love, especially because of work." 

"He...glows?" Hilde asked, all innocently wide-eyed. Sally smacked her on the arm. 

"I know the thing about being separated due to work." Relena said, holding up her cell phone. "When Heero's doing a supply run to Mars, this is the only way we can ever contact each other." She smiled suddenly, a feline gleam appearing in her eyes. "In some ways, it makes the reunion that much more special. Poignant, I suppose the word is." 

"Sally and I are the lucky ones, then. She's with Wu-fei and I've of course got Duo." Hilde glanced at Catherine. "What about you? You with someone you work with?" 

"Actually," Catherine blushed, "I'm being courted by Rashid. He visits with Quatre. It's so old-fashioned it's silly, but I'm enjoying it." 

"Courted?" Sally laughed. "Who'd have expected it?" 

The chatter continued throughout the long drive, Hilde and Relena eventually falling asleep due to jet lag. Sally turned onto a dirt path, and drove on for several miles, until she reached a dead end. She was confused. According to the map, the Iguana Paradise Resort was right there, on the edge of the canyon. 

She hopped out of the minivan, and looked. 

And looked. 

And looked. 

"Um, Sally, where is this resort?" Catherine said, trying to get out of the van without waking up the slumbering Relena. 

"I'm not sure. Wait...there's a sign..." Sally jogged over to the very edge of the cliff. Sure enough, a stake, propped up by a pile of sleeping bags, bore a single sheet of paper with the same logo as the letter she'd received from Desireé Felix. Perched atop the sleeping bags was also a dead stuffed iguana. 

A sinking feeling in her chest, Sally slowly read the letter aloud. 

"Dear Miss Sally Po, 

"We regret to inform you that the Iguana Paradise Resort has suddenly undergone a Total Massive Existence Failure. In order to accommodate you this weekend, we have left you some camping equipment and water. We are still Four Stars (or more, just look up at night) and Top Class (for a dead iguana.) Enjoy your stay, and... 

"APRIL FOOLS!!!!" 

"Sincerely, Desireé Felix, AKA D.C." 

Sally was laughing so hard she woke up Relena and Hilde, who rushed over to see what the commotion was. She was doubled over, howling, as if she were in pain, which was not entirely untrue. Gasping for breath, her eyes streaming, she handed the letter to Relena, who also read it aloud. 

"Izzy!" Hilde cried out of nowhere and lunged for the dead stuffed iguana. She cuddled it to her chest. 

"D.C...who do we know who has initials D.C...oh no... Dorothy..." 

"Catalonia?" Sally filled in. "I wonder what I did to her to merit this." 

"Remind me never to make her angry," Catherine said, worriedly. 

Still laughing spasmodically, Sally wiped her eyes and took the letter back from Relena. "I'm sorry I dragged you all into this. I should have investigated the resort more thoroughly. Although she did a really good job. Professional brochures, a full website..." 

"She really did go all out, didn't she?" Relena smiled knowingly. "Last year she convinced me that Heero was having a passionate love affair with Duo --" 

"She got you too?" Hilde said sleepily, still cuddling the iguana. "I was all ready to seriously maim Heero after she showed me that video." 

"Video?" Relena, Sally, and Catherine chorused together. 

"Yeah, a video. Izzy here was a star in it," Hilde said, waving the iguana. "Poor Izzy went missing a long time ago. He's been a witness to a lot of stunts at the scrapyard. A LOT. Remind me to tell you all about it sometime." 

Sally had been looking thoughtfully at the sleeping bags. "You know," she said, mentally running over her list of supplies in the van, "even though its not exactly first class accommodations, we can still have a ladies night out. I've got water and snacks in the van, and Dorothy at least left us sleeping bags and..." she prodded the pile with one foot, "yep, a full sized tent. Want to build a campfire and rough it for the night?" 

"It sounds wonderful," Relena said. She rolled up her sleeves, and grabbed the tent. "Let's pitch this baby." 

That was such an unusual line for Relena that even Hilde did a double take. There was something different about her now that she was out of her usual power suit. Sally hoped she wasn't developing split personalities like Une had... 

**** 

Several hours later, the four women were sitting in folding chairs around a cheery campfire, sipping on imported Mexican beer, and watching the sun set over the canyon. Hilde was still playing with "Izzy," and she refused to let go of him. 

"So tell us," Sally said to Hilde, "exactly how did you acquire that iguana, and what the hell was it doing in a video that made you think Duo was cheating on you with Heero?" 

"Well...it's a long story. Izzy was my pet iguana when I was little. When he died of old age, I had him stuffed. During the war he was the one possession I kept with me besides my baseball cap." She fiddled with the battered animal, who was missing most of his toes and one glass eye. "He's been with me through everything. But about a year and a half ago he went missing, and on April Fools day last year I received a video with no return address. Izzy appeared in the video with Heero and Duo....doing perverted things with him." Hilde shuddered. The iguana was rather small, and the other three could just imagine the hentai things a person could do with it. " I had nightmares for days. It turns out that Dorothy had done some serious CGI work with 3D models of Heero and Duo, at least that's what she told me after I nearly had a conniption. She's good." 

"She's evil," Sally said with slightly more venom than she intended. "Well, not evil. She's...devious." 

"All she did was send me a photograph," Relena said, blushing. "Heero actually laughed when I confronted him about it and pointed out how his head had been expertly pasted in." 

"What about Duo's head? He was pasted in too, right?" 

"Duo's part was real. Sorry, Hilde." 

"Hmph. I don't believe you. Anyway, Izzy's been through a lot. He was there when I got seduced by the mailman." 

Catherine dropped her beer in shock. The beer spilled across the ground, and some landed on the fire, causing it to flare up briefly. "Ack, excuse me..." 

"You WHAT?" Relena had nearly choked on her lime. 

"I didn't do anything, honest," Hilde said, defensively. "I was kinda drunk, and dusting the apartment cuz I didn't know what else to do, and had Izzy in my hand so I could dust under him, and the doorbell rang, and the mailman made a pass at me. I had accidentally inhaled some of the Endust fumes, and I wasn't really right in my mind. I thought he was Duo until I saw the Colony Postal mail logo on his shirt. He even had the same braid, dammit. So there I am with this dead stuffed iguana, and I feel like I'm cheating on Duo, you know? Then I felt soooo guilty, I shoved Izzy in the mailman's face. Izzy lost two toes then," she said, proudly, and huggled the iguana again. "He's my iguana savior." 

Sally and Relena both stared at Hilde, not entirely sure whether they were supposed to believe her or not. Catherine, who had the lowest alcohol tolerance of them all, was experiencing a serious buzz, and dropped her empty bottle in the campfire, just to see what would happen. She then grabbed another Corona and expertly sliced a wedge of lime, and chugged happily. 

"Careful with that beer, Catherine," Sally warned. 

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Catherine insisted, and leaned back in her chair. "God, the stars are so pretty from Earth. When we tour the colonies, that's what I hate the most. The stars don't twinkle in space." 

All four women looked up at the sky with her. The stars were just beginning to come out, and they did shimmer merrily in the desert air. They say that the stars are brightest out in the US west, and for the four women, the heavens were decked out in their finest display. 

"That's Venus," Relena said, trying to remember astronomy lessons from long ago, "and that'd be Jupiter...and that's Saturn..." 

"I think that's a colony, actually," Sally said, and hiccuped slightly. She was on her second Corona as well, and this wasn't the watered down stuff that they normally sold in the US. Being a Preventer had its advantages. 

"No, no, the colonies are always with the Moon, and the Moon's on the other side of the earth right now. LaGrange points and all that." Relena sighed. "And there's Mars. Heero's there now, for a week, and Zechs and Noin live there all the time." 

"You miss them," Sally said. It wasn't a question. And Relena didn't answer her. 

"I wonder if I can toast a Pop Tart over the campfire," Hilde said suddenly. She scrambled around in her duffel bag, tossing various things all around, and produced a smooshed box of Pop Tarts. She also found some of the "gags" she'd raided from Duo's secret stash, and reminded herself to use at least one. 

"You'll never know if you don't try. Me, I'll stick with marshmallows. Speaking of roasting..." Sally handed wire coat hangers to each of them, which had been liberated from Relena's neatly pressed, carefully dry-cleaned wardrobe. Catherine began poking the fire with hers. Hilde pierced her Pop Tart and dangled it over the fire. The weight of it caused the coat hanger to droop, but she stubbornly bent the end up to keep it from sliding off. 

"Hey, look, my bottle's melting." Catherine tilted back in her chair again after that profound observation. Her second bottle of Corona was already empty. 

"This isn't working," Hilde complained. Her Pop Tart was simply becoming burnt and crispy around the edges. 

"Perhaps you should break it in half," Relena suggested. She too was feeling the effects of the Corona, and had leaned back in her chair like Catherine. Unlike Catherine, she did not have a sense of balance honed by years in the circus, and promptly fell over backwards, tumbling out of her chair. 

"I'm OK," came her muffled voice. 

"Good god, Relena, one drink and you're on the ground." Sally went to help the fallen politician up. "Be glad that you weren't where Hilde is sitting, or you'd have fallen right smack into the canyon." 

Hilde promptly picked up her chair and moved on the other side of the campfire, between Sally and Catherine. She tried again to toast her Pop Tart. 

With Relena righted once again, Catherine on her third bottle of Corona, and Hilde happily frying her Pop Tart, Sally felt the companionable silence fitted the occasion. This is what she'd been hoping for -- a girls night out. She probably needed to send Dorothy some sort of thank you note. 

"Sally," Relena said suddenly, "when are you and Wu-Fei getting married?" 

"Married?" Sally laughed bitterly. "Wu-fei's so stubborn he wouldn't even go on a vacation with me. I don't think marriage is anytime soon." 

"Maybe he's just scared. That's how it was with Heero. He was afraid he wasn't worthy of me, as if he'd soil me or something. Little did he know," Relena giggled, and Hilde and Sally wondered what to make of that cryptic remark. Catherine was staring off into space and probably hadn't heard her. 

"Maybe that's it," Sally mused, and nibbled delicately at her marshmallow. "So I should reassure him that I'm not a fragile bloom and his admitting his feelings isn't going to break me?" 

"Or you should just make the first move. Just make it better than mine was." 

"What was it?" 

"Technically, I asked him to kill me." 

"I don't think that qualifies as one of the world's greatest pick up lines," Sally agreed. "What about you, Hilde? How'd you get Duo to open his heart?" 

"I climbed into bed with him." Hilde took a swig of Corona. "He says it caught him so off guard he didn't have a chance. He also said that was his first time." She smiled cattily. That had been a good night.

"Not according to Heero," Relena grumbled drunkenly. Hilde nearly leapt across the campfire and stuffed her burnt Pop Tart in Relena's mouth. The two collapsed in giggles as Relena's chair fell over again from the force of the assault. 

"What do you think I am, a toaster?" Relena said, smacking Hilde away as they struggled to get up. 

"Hush. I don't want any more thoughts of Heero and Duo together spoiling my happy little fantasies. I've got my Duo and you've got your Heero, and ne'er more the twain shall meet." 

"You've got to admit, though, it'd be a beautiful sight," Relena said. Both she and Hilde suddenly glazed over, thinking extremely echii thoughts. Sally was surprise they didn't develop nosebleeds.

"You still have that video?" Relena asked dreamily. Hilde snapped out of it, and popped Relena on the arm. 

"I was traumatized, remember? I burned the damn thing." 

"So you were only traumatized by the lizard, and not Heero and Duo?" Relena said with a grin. 

"I knew it was CGI when I saw it," Hilde lied. "And its an iguana, not a lizard." 

"It would have made good blackmail material," Sally couldn't help but offer. Hilde glared at her too, stomped back to her chair, and cuddled her dead iguana. Then her eyes widened, and she pointed a shaky finger to a spot near Relena's chair. 

"Relena...I think...I think there's a snake...by you..." 

Relena, still out of her chair from the Hilde attack, calmly looked down to where she was pointing. "So there is. He's probably attracted by the heat. As long as we don't appear to threaten him --" 

A knife whizzed by, and landed with a dull thud on its target. Even drunk, Catherine had deadly accuracy. They all looked at her. She didn't even appear to have move at all, as she was still tilted back in her chair, staring at the sky. 

"Whoa," Sally said in a hushed voice, "Remind me never to make YOU angry, Catherine..." 

Relena crawled over to examine the felled snake. She picked it up, barehanded, and held it close to the light. "Not even a reasonable facsimile. Try harder next time, Hilde." She handed Catherine her knife and sat back down.

"Darn. So much for that April Fools prank." Hilde munched on her second attempt to roast a Pop Tart. 

Catherine, still staring at the sky, which was now entirely black velvety night, played idly with her circus knife. "Quatre pulled an April Fools prank on Trowa last year. He sent him a copy of a letter, aged to look twenty years old, engaging him to the daughter of another colony sheik. Trowa nearly committed suicide before Quatre surprised him with a dozen red roses as an apology." 

"How sweet!" Hilde sighed. "You know, I'm glad they found each other. As strange as it is, I can't imagine them with anyone else." 

"Neither can I," Sally agreed. "Just like I can't imagine you without Duo, or Relena without Heero." 

'We can," Relena giggled again. 

"Echii!" Hilde cried, and looked for something to throw at Relena. She found another snake. Funny, she didn't remember packing two of them. And this one felt a lot more realistic. But the light was so dim from the fire, and the Corona she'd had had finally hit her system, so she hefted it at Relena anyway. 

"Oh shit,' Relena shrieked. She jumped out of the chair, sending the snake flying through the air to land at her feet. Relena danced away from the bewildered desert snake, who'd only wanted someplace warm to nap. Hilde's pile of clothes, so close to the comforting fire, had seemed the perfect place. It gave up and scurried away, leaving Relena dancing around nothing. 

"Oh my god, Relena, I'm so sorry!" Hilde said, horrified. "I didn't realize it was real...I mean, I didn't think it looked real..." 

"Didn't it feel real? Appearances can be deceiving," Sally pointed out. "Last rounds of Corona, everyone. Except you, Catherine. You already had your three." 

Catherine waved vaguely at Sally and went back to being quietly drunk. Relena sat back down again and nursed her final bottle, more relaxed than Sally had ever seen her before. Sally herself was finally feeling the alcohol, and decided she was ready to call it a night. 

"I'm going to sleep guys." She stood up and stretched, and wandered over to the bush they'd been using as a temporary restroom.. Hilde, the most sober of them all, waited until Sally was finished then followed suit. Relena carefully banked the fire while she waited her turn, and Catherine poked at her bottle, which was almost completely disintegrated. They finally all crawled wearily into the oversize house-tent, to await the morning and the hangovers that were sure to come. 

"G'night guys," Hilde mumbled sleepily from her corner of the tent. She was still hugging her dead iguana. 

"Night," Sally said. Catherine was already asleep, and Relena flapped her arm on the tent side in acknowledgment. 

It had been a good night, Sally reflected before drifting off to a Wu-Fei filled dream. 

**** 

From the other side of the canyon, Dorothy Catalonia lowered her binoculars, turned off the microphone and tape recorder, smiled evilly, and began to plot next year's prank on Catherine. 

**** 

The End?

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